


To Forgive

by Marasa



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Crying, Cuddling, Depression, Fighting, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Soft Boys, apologizing, vague self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 21:10:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14144655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marasa/pseuds/Marasa
Summary: Josh hasn't talked to Tyler in four days.





	To Forgive

Josh hasn't talked to Tyler in four days.

It’s not like they never fight; they do. It’s usually sharp comments shot back and forth that don’t really amount to anything. They spend a few hours alone at most and reunite with apologies and hugs and it’s over in time to watch some TV and eat junk food on the couch.

But Tyler went too far.

Josh would be lying if he said he hadn’t been replaying the conversation in his head over and over. Tyler was his best friend; of course he knew exactly what to say to ruin Josh. 

“I regret ever asking you to be my drummer,” Tyler had spat just when Josh thought their fight was over. “At least then I wouldn’t have to deal with your bullshit all the time.”

Josh ended up going to his bunk and had stayed there for the next few days.

It wasn’t just Tyler’s comment that got to him. It was just so badly timed, or maybe it had been perfectly timed.

Josh had been sinking further into his head the entire week before the fight. Sometimes he got like that, overthinking everything and getting too quiet.

His self-esteem was already taking a beating way before Tyler took a swing at it.

They had spent a whole day away from each other but come the second day of continuous silence, Tyler had come to his bunk. He hadn’t pulled back the curtain, simply knocked on the wall and whispered out a small, “Hey, Josh?”

When Josh didn’t answer him, Tyler continued.

“I- I’m really sorry for what I said yesterday. I’ve…I can't stop thinking about it.” A shaky inhale. “I didn’t mean it. There is no possible way I could ever mean that. I'm so sorry, Josh, I’m so sorry.”

Josh had gone to sleep that night with a numbness in his chest and his mind racing with thoughts of doubt and self-loathing.

The third day, Tyler sent him near hourly texts of, “I'm sorry Josh,” “I’m so sorry,” and “I love you.”

Josh didn’t answer, but it wasn’t out of malice. 

He knew Tyler was sorry. He knew he hadn't meant what he said. This was about Josh slipping into a melancholic state and simply withdrawing into himself and away from not only Tyler but everyone else. 

The texts from Mark were piling up, as were the ones from Michael. Josh tears up for the first time when his phone dings with a received text from Jordan saying that he hadn’t heard from him recently and how worried he was. 

He just needed some time alone to think and try to center himself.

It's now the fourth day of not talking to Tyler or anyone else. Josh stays in his bunk while the others leave to dinner at whatever city they're in now. He’s not sure if Tyler left with them, just knows that the silence of the tour bus is deafening.

“Josh?”

Josh actually jumps.

Tyler is right outside his bunk. His voice is shakier than the last time he had spoken to him. It sounds weak and broken, like he’s been crying.

“Can, can I c-come in? Please?”

There’s a pause as Josh debates on whether or not to let him in. His fingers twitch. He barely shifts.

The curtain opens before he can give an answer. Light floods into the bunk. Josh freezes and doesn’t turn.

His refusal to acknowledge Tyler is probably perceived as fury or something equally as angry, but in all actuality, he’s embarrassed. 

Tyler said he didn’t mean it, but it was if he had confirmed everything Josh had been thinking and feeling for the last week. He was useless, unwanted, untalented. He had so much bullshit going on with him, everyone regretted ever getting to know him. 

“Josh,” Tyler whispers brokenly. Josh swallows as quietly as he can as he stares at the wall.

The small mattress shifts as Tyler slides in behind him. The curtain is pulled closed, leaving them mostly in darkness.

It’s so tight in these bunks, but somehow Tyler manages to not touch Josh. They usually lay together with their legs tangled and arms holding tight around each other’s shoulders.

The tiny gap between them is unnatural.

Josh can hear just how uneven Tyler's breathing is. He’s shaking. Josh bites the inside of his cheek as he feels Tyler barely nose at the space between his shoulder blades.

It’s obvious he was trying to keep them stifled but Tyler can't help but finally huff out a series of heartbreaking sobs that shake his whole body violently.

Tyler loses it.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobs grossly, voice muddled with heavy tears.

Josh’s eyes widen.

He’s heard Tyler cry, had seen him cry, but never like this. This was uncontrollable, sounding genuinely hopeless. He’s choking and hiccuping sloppily. His volume increases with every cry until he’s nearly wailing.

The terrible sound has Josh slowly shifting. He peeks over his shoulder. His heart aches at the sight.

Tyler’s a mess. His hair is unwashed and wild. His cheeks are moist and irritated with a constant stream of salty tears. There are bags under his eyes, the same he gets when he doesn’t sleep for days. His cheeks are just a little thinner as Josh presumes he hasn’t been eating.

Josh turns finally and lays on his back. Tyler squeezes his eyes shut and doesn’t come closer. If anything, he slides back a little further to give him space.

“I- I- I-” Tyler sputters pathetically, choking on his sobs, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, J- Josh. I promise- I promise I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I’m sorry...”

He trails off into a litany of tearful whimpers that he tries to quiet as he buries his face into the pillow beneath him. He brings his knuckle to his mouth and bites at the scabby and irritated skin there, viciously tearing with his teeth.

Josh reaches a hand over and lightly rests it on the side of Tyler’s head. The other man squeezes his eyes shut tighter as he flinches away from the affection he doesn’t believe he deserves.

“I know you didn't mean it, Tyler, but what you said hurt me,” Josh says quietly. “I'm not upset with you. I'm upset about what was said.”

Tyler hits his own chin surprisingly hard with a bloody, bruised knuckle before biting harshly at it again with enough force to maybe break the bone. 

“Don’t do that,” Josh urges softly.

He takes Tyler's hand from his teeth and gently guides it over so it rests diagonally across his chest. 

Tyler doesn't open his eyes but unfolds his fist just long enough to grab a handful of Josh’s shirt to pathetically cling to. They're usually so affectionate but they haven't touched like this in four whole days.

Josh almost expects Tyler to be all over him after this long apart but he’s still distant even when he’s close in proximity.

“Why are you so upset?” Josh murmurs. “I said I wasn't mad at you.”

“I hurt you!” Tyler says, hand tightening on Josh’s shirt. “I fucking hurt you, I-...fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-”

“I forgive you.”

It goes quiet for a single moment.

“No-”

“Yes,” Josh insists.

Tyler continues to cry as Josh pulls him closer. Tyler buries his face in Josh’s neck and wraps his arms around him.

“You shouldn’t forgive me,” Tyler whimpers.

“But I am because I know you’re genuinely sorry,” Josh says. “We’ll be okay, Tyler."

Josh rubs up and down Tyler’s back as Tyler sniffles against his neck.

Ten minutes of silence passes. Everything is beginning to return to normal, gradually calming down from the past shitty four days.

“I don’t regret  _ anything. _ ” Tyler interrupts the quiet with a soft and sincere whisper against the underside of Josh’s jaw. “I don’t. I would do it a million times the exact same away. I could never regret you. I could  _ never _ and I hate myself for ever speaking such a lie and hurting you.”

Josh exhales softly and for the first time in the past four days, smiles. 

“Thank you,” Josh says.

Tyler brushes his lips against Josh’s pulse. He gently peppers small kisses up and down his neck and everywhere else he can reach. His actions are frantic and he’s beginning to get worked up again. 

He finds himself on top of Josh with his lips flying across his face.

Tyler kisses his forehead, his eyebrows, eyelids, cheekbones, cheeks, the bridge of his nose, his jaw, his chin.

He leans down and presses the softest kiss he can against Josh’s lips.

It brims with love and true apology.

"You're everything to me," Tyler whispers. "You are the best person I have ever met. I hate seeing you hurt because you deserve the entire world. What I said was unfair and untrue. I adore you, Josh. I love you. I'm sorry that I hurt you."

Tears well up in Tyler's eyes. "I've missed you, Josh."

Before he can lose himself again,  Josh is rolling them over and lying on top of him.

Tyler whimpers, fingernails biting into Josh’s shoulders. The grounding weight does well to calm Tyler and the feeling of having Tyler underneath him in not so much a sexual way breeds a sort of reassurance in Josh at his lover’s safety.

"I missed you too," Josh whispers back soothingly. "I missed you beside me, Tyler."

They nuzzle each other, hands sliding up spines and down sides, feeling, remembering, apologizing.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler whispers against Josh’s cheek.

“I forgive you,” Josh murmurs against Tyler’s temple.

“I love you, Joshua.”

“I love you, Tyler.”

They both need sleep, but they stay up long enough to relish in the long missed touch of the other’s hands and lips.

There are no more tears here, just love.


End file.
